Every couple argues. What matters is how. Five short lessons you can read together or alone, each with one thing to try this week. 5 lessons · about 10 minutes each · free, no sign-up.
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How a hard conversation starts often decides how it ends. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that harsh start-ups usually lead to harsh endings.
Swap “You never…” for “I feel… about… and I need…”.
Complain about one situation, not about your partner’s character.
Pick a time when neither of you is hungry, rushed or half-asleep.
Today: Rewrite one recent complaint as a gentle start-up.
Day 2
Take a real break when you’re flooded
When your heart is racing, you can’t think clearly or listen well. Gottman’s research suggests a break of at least 20 minutes to calm down.
Agree on a signal or phrase for “I need a break.”
Say when you will come back: “Give me 30 minutes, then let’s finish this.”
During the break, do something calming. Don’t rehearse your argument.
Today: Agree on your break signal together today.
Day 3
Use repair attempts
A repair attempt is anything that stops a fight from escalating: a joke, a touch, “I’m sorry, can we start over?”
Notice the repairs your partner already makes, and accept them.
Have two phrases ready, such as “That came out wrong” or “I see your point.”
Repair the next day too: “I didn’t like how I spoke last night.”
Today: Tell your partner one repair attempt that works on you.
Day 4
Listen until they feel heard
People can’t move on until they feel understood. Understanding is not the same as agreeing.
Take turns: one speaks and the other only listens and asks questions.
Repeat back what you heard: “So you felt… when…”.
Ask “Did I get that right?” before you give your side.
Today: Try one 10-minute conversation using these turns.
Day 5
Make a weekly check-in
Small issues talked about early rarely become big fights.
Choose a weekly time: 20 minutes, phones away.
Use three questions: What went well this week? What was hard? What do you need next week?
End with one thing you appreciated about each other.
Today: Put the first check-in in both your calendars.
You finished the course 🎉
The hard part of any new habit is the next 30 days. UnFight is the free iPhone app we built to keep it going.
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